The Internet can be your best
friend and worst enemy. It can bring out the best emotions in people, and it
can also tear people down to the very depths of utter depression. I remember
sitting down in my office and searching around the Internet, not knowing where
I was going to land. Then I remember a thought came to my mind to search the
Indianapolis Mini Marathon and the 5k race at Lucas Oil Raceway that I was
involved in. It is amazing that data from these races that can be searched, and
found, without much work. I remember sitting and looking at the screen looking
joyfully at the record times I was able to set at both races. When I was
running the 5k race I was averaging an 8 minute per mile pace and finished the 3.1-mile
race in 27 minutes, and during the Mini Marathon I was averaging a 10 minute
per mile pace and I finished the 13.1-mile race in 2 hours and 27 minutes (that
1/10 of a mile was probably the most exhausting part of the race).
These are just two instances that
something out of the daily routine got my attention and caused me to rethink
life all over again. Both running events were in 2013 and after I researched my
old race times I went onto Google Photos and I found pictures from 2013 and not
only did I smile but I also had tears from a mix of emotions. During this year
I was most likely in the best shape of my life, had the most amazing attitude,
and never let anything get me down. I was pretty much walking on cloud nine day
in and day out, not caring about anything but moving forward and making the
best of every situation. I remember sitting in my chair reflecting on that year
and, in some way, wishing and dreaming that I could find that person all over
again and reconnect with him.
It’s difficult being in a spot of
life where looking back just five years ago can make a person wish they were
back with a certain attitude, personality, feature, or personal gift. 2013 was
an amazing year for me personally though… I was in an amazing relationship to a
person that I can truly say was my BEST FRIEND, was growing in my personal
relationship with Christ, and my physical workout routine was only improving
and was achieving my weight loss goals. I was in an amazing spot in life and
this was also the year that I was finally able to graduate college after a few
major changes and different callings that I felt like I needed to pursue. The
Lord was putting me in a spot where I felt the best in many different aspects
and I felt like nothing could tear me down and looking back I can see where
this mindset was the beginning stages of the downward spiral of my life.
Toward the middle of 2013 I was
preparing to move to a different area of the state and be closer to my now ex
with a job that would give me the best benefits and work atmosphere that I have
ever experienced before. I was so pumped up and I felt great about where I was,
and I believed in my heart that this job was going to bring out the best in me
in every area of life. As I was preparing to move, and getting the final
details of my job, I found out that my grandma was going to have open heart
surgery. Going from a stomach sickness to having a major surgery was not easy
for me to hear but I didn’t show it externally since it’s rare that I cry at
anything. As I was going through this situation I learned that my ex was going
through a lot and did not want to continue the relationship. This person was
the very reason that I was job hunting in this region of the state so that I
could be closer to her. Once these two occurrences of life took place it felt as
if my world was crashing down and that the gaps were so big that I could not
find the feeling that was bringing me up for the past year or so.
Fast forward to February of 2018
and as I type this message on a computer screen I believe that between 2013 and
now was the part of time where I was challenged the most and was losing the
person that I became in the middle of college. Once I officially graduated
college, and at the same time tried to refocus on my career plan since the
“original plan” was declined, I was on a downward spiral from the joy and
dedication that I had.
I do not want to sit and type this
message to you all and dwell in the focus of 2013, that would honestly be a
ridiculous motive at this point. I cannot change the past and, as I sit and
focus on the grand scheme of life, I would not want to change the past.
Scripture gives us a strong, yet hard, message to focus on throughout all our
trials in life:
“Forget the former things, do not
dwell in the past” (Isaiah 43:18)
During this time frame the Israelites
were in the stages of becoming free from captivity. Free from slavery, and a
hard path of life. This was used as an encouragement for the Israelites to move
forward in life: to not think about what the past gave people, but to look
forward and move toward the brightness of the light that gives promise. For my
personal life this is a bitter pill to swallow because I have looked at my own
life and have believed in my own heart that the things in life have not been
the greatest whatsoever, which has caused me to focus only on the past and
think that this is the only path of life that I will ever see. As I had
mentioned I see the year 2013 as one of the best years of my life in various
paths, but I also mentioned that I do not want to dwell into that year since
that is now five years in the past.
As I reflect on the past five years
of my life many things have occurred: I have been in various relationships,
gained and lost friendships, have brought people to think various thoughts
about me personally, and have fought myself in many areas of life. Five years ago,
I was 25 and getting ready to graduate college and now I’m now in my 30’s and
have been out of the school setting as of 5 years ago. In these five years one
of the greatest motivations of my life are being physically active. In the past
working out in any fashion was not my biggest motivation, in fact, working out
was something I never saw myself doing. Within a two-year period in the early
2010’s I lost over 100 pounds and gained a new view on life and what I could
accomplish. Sitting here now I reflect on this journey and I am joyful of the
endurance race I was able to accomplish with this weight loss, but I also did
not do it in the right frame of mind. A good friend of mine from Indiana State,
Andrew Miller, wrote an article about “Working out the Faith” and he brought up
a mindset that people can use to be active:
“In our generation, the media
painfully whips our youth’s minds into how they should look. Males must be chiseled from head to toe with
muscles bulging as if we were the Hulk, and females must be built like Barbie,
which by the way is both unlikely”
When I had first lost my weight, I
had an amazing trainer from my campus ministry that taught me dedication, determination,
and most of all: looking at training as an endurance race and not a sprint. I
had tried working out or being active in various parts of my life and nothing
seemed to work because I had the mindset that if the results did not happen
immediately I was against putting the work in. Basically, if I was not seeing
the results with a 24-hour period I was telling myself I could not do it and
gave up (looking back trying to lose weight the healthy way in a 24-hour period
was next to impossible). Once the results from my initial weight loss began its
evidence I feel that my mindset started to change. Doing just a few bicep curls
was not enough, squatting the weight that my trainer was doing was something I
did not want to weight for but to conquer right away. Basically, if I was not
seeing results immediately I was going to give in to my own selfish emotions
and make a rash decision that what I was doing was not for me and going to get
me nowhere.
Writing this message about my own
experience I feel like we currently live in a generation where information is
needed immediately, Internet connections are at blazing speeds (even compared
to only a decade ago), and the vast amount of information that we have at our
disposal has given us the mindset to look at many different opinions on
information, at times not regarding the source that it is coming from. This
brings up a verse that came to my mind when reflecting on this thought:
“But the Sprit explicitly says
that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to
deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons.” (1 Timothy 4:1)
This verse is hard to take in but in my own life I
have found myself after the year of 2013 I was reflecting on and began to
neglect my own mindset and lessons that I have learned to get to that point and
began to focus on what I thought I could do to fill in the gaps. After the
events I mentioned with my grandma and ex happened in the middle of 2013 my
life, and views, began to take a different approach. When people talked to me
and asked how life was going I usually came up with the general answer of “oh,
things are fine”, “I feel amazing, things couldn’t be better”, “life has been
good, but what’s new with you, how have you been?” My words usually sputtered
out one of these phrases and gave me an easy pass to continue about my day
without letting people know exactly how life was going. I look at these various
phrases I would say to people and the third phrase of turning the questions
back on the other person happened more often than once. I usually turned the
question back because it gave me a thought that if I did this maybe I could
help someone else out and not think about what is really happening in my own
life.
From that point in time to 2013 to the present I
wasn’t completely true with my life with the other people around me. I was
falling in a downward spiral and not focused on the end of the tunnel but
hanging out in the midst. I can honestly say that in that period, and even at
moments to this day, I was not the person to ask for help or allow people to
know the true me. I did not want people to know the “TRUE” me because I felt
like I had a reputation of being strong for others and helping others in their
walk, and I have been neglecting myself and as scripture teaches I have been
building my house on the sand (thinking it was an amazing rock) and allowing my
foundation to crumble. There have been some amazing things that have happened
in life and was also in various relationships even after that situation that
occurred right when my grandma was in the hospital. I tried to find love and,
as a matter of fact, I was even engaged once. I lost focus on who I was and did
not have a full amount of faith, just the faith that I wanted to present to
people. I did not have the faith that, as scripture stated: could move
mountains (Matthew 17:20). Tim Tebow talked about a perfect definition for
faith in his book “Shaken” when he says:
“Faith is not being shaken at the core but
moving through the struggles one step at a time”
Family
and friends, I have learned from living life, and typing this first writing to
you, that I was defining faith as praising God when the moments were made of
gold, when the moments arrived that I could stand on a mountaintop and shout to
the world that God is true, real, and the Lord of ALL LORDS! What I did not
want to believe through faith and actions, but should have in life’s obstacles,
is that the Lord is LORD in ALL situations, regardless of the outcome. As a
matter of fact, today’s scripture for February 21st, 2018 hammers on
a point that goes along with this thought:
“Have
I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed,
for the Lord your God is with you WHEREVER you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
As I
finish up my writing that I believe the Lord has laid on my heart I want to open
on where I am at currently. I’m battling with different situations in my life,
struggles that have challenged me to the core. Some of these things have caused
me to neglect myself, struggle, loose faith, loose heart, feel like nothing
will ever go my way, and loose focus on listening to the words of God on where
I am supposed to travel in life. Over the past year or so I have tried to form
my own life because I felt like God was not listening and I wanted to think in
my own mind where I was supposed to go which caused me each time to find
confusion in front of me. I have been hurt in so many ways over the past couple
of years, let me clarify this: my family and I have been hurt in so many ways.
I personally have been hurt physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and
intellectually. I have been lied to, manipulated, and these moments have caused
me to question why I matter and what have I done to deserve this treatment. I
am finishing this writing and I still look back at 2013 through pictures, old
letters, memories, and most importantly: where my faith was. This has taken me
over two weeks to write, reflect on, battle the enemy with, and see what
direction God would want me to go with this.
This
is not only a personal look and testimony of my life, but I believe God has led
me to write this to help someone else that reads this (whether that is tomorrow
or two years into the future). I do not have the best job, living situation, or
situation of my life (as a matter of fact I am in debt to my eyeballs through
something out of my control). I was not comfortable with myself or who I was
anymore. Whoever reads this and is struggling with their personal situations
know that I am right there with you. I may have never talked about it in the past,
but I am letting this writing speak for me. I am currently getting back in
shape, overcoming my injuries (far better off from where I was but still have
pain), and have a job that is re-teaching me leadership skills and teamwork. I
thank God what He has done through my life over the past couple of months and I
know as Joshua showed in the scripture of the day that I can be STRONG and
COURAGEOUS through all of life’s obstacles. The best part about this is that I
do not have to fear because the Lord is right by my side and is on all our
sides.
Thank
you all from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and finding ways to
encourage me in your own ways. I pray that this message finds you well and I
also pray that this is the true beginning of me moving forward and forgetting
the past but growing for the present and future.
THE END, for now…
